How To deal With Toxic Family?

 How To Deal With a Toxic Family

 

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Do you have a toxic family and you're not sure what to do?

Having a toxic family member can be detrimental because family is supposed to be defined by love and support. This is a betrayal of the highest order, and something, if left untreated, that will haunt someone for the rest of their lives. It’s difficult to even admit a family member is toxic, and the treatment isn’t easy. Although we do recommend reaching out to a professional for help, here are a few tips to ponder while you decide what to do.

 

1. Make clear boundaries for yourself.

We know that it sounds simple to say, hey I like this, and I don't like that, and you're right, it does seem straightforward, so why does this toxic person continue to be able to cross those boundaries? It might be that, due to fear, being worn down, or not realizing that it’s happening, you haven’t made the boundaries clear. The problem with toxic family members is not only that they know you well, but they exercise that knowledge regularly to get at you. They know where all the thin spots are. Clarifying a boundary is like adding an extra fortification, making your house out of brick rather than straw, and filling in all the gaps. So you need to be super clear with yourself or not only what your boundaries are, but why. Give it some backup. Know that your own limit is because toxic people will overstep that boundary repeatedly, so you'll need to determine for yourself how much you'll put up with before you know it’s time to walk. They might rush you before the cement has been set properly, so don't worry about failing the first few times. With practice, you'll be able to hold your own. These boundaries will also help to remind you that you have not only the need but the right to protect yourself from these attacks. This means when you cut a call off your body-shaming mother or block the number to that sibling who keeps cursing at you or demeaning your life, you can understand that it’s right for you. You've had enough.

 

2. Distance.

We mean either emotionally or physically. Because physically isn't always realistically possible, emotional distance involves cutting off the gifts you've been giving. What gifts, you ask. The gift of you, the gift of knowing anything meaningful about you, like your interests, goals, secrets, or memories. Those were things you previously shared with them, and they responded by repeatedly, maliciously using that information to hurt you. They have proven themselves undeserving, so you get to stop the flow. It’s okay to say you don't wish to talk on a subject, or not answer a question. If you must speak with them, you can have cordial contact, also known as keeping them at an arm's length. This is where conversations and emotions are purposeful, superficial, pleasant, and all about them since toxic people are usually all about themselves anyhow. You can remind yourself this is being done on purpose, for your own protection and sanity. You're not giving in to them. If possible, you can have low contact, where you interact only at big occasions like weddings. Then there’s also no contact when even low contact has become unbearable. So don’t worry about, it what if they've changed. Once toxic family members catch on to what's happening, they'll redouble their efforts to force poison down your throat, letting you know that nothing has changed. In fact, they're worse than before. The most important thing to remember in all of this is that it’s not your fault that they did this to you, despite what they're screaming at you. Their repeated abuse, despite all your efforts to appeal to them or talk to them, is effectively a foot shoving you against the exit, so take the exit and let them deal with the outcome themselves.

 

3. Don't argue or justify.

You know the drill. It's been a blissful week of peace from that condescending, gaslighting family member, but then a call or email will come, and it'll be something that seems to require a conversation. So you, being compassionate, ask them what's going on, and it devolves into drama and arguments.

Alert: you might want to fight back and provide proof to support yourself. Admiral Akbar says, "It's a trap." Oh yeah, he knew what was up. This toxic family member has reeled you in to a staged argument they know and will ensure you can't win. Their goal is to make you feel low, so they can proclaim superiority. Battles need to be chosen carefully. Determine what arguments and battles are actually for real need to go to war, and which ones are drama and self-made pseudo emergencies. These emergencies are false and solvable by themselves, but they want to feel the power puppeteering you to their bidding. It’s okay to decline being suckered in. You can then conserve your energy for other things, like your own life.

 

4. Hold strong to yourself.

You need to be your own anchor and lighthouse. Having that strong, solid sense of self means accepting and understanding that no one, including yourself, is perfect, and that you still know who you are, regardless of snags along the way. We understand you can feel shame or guilt, but knowing yourself lets you know what to do about it, or even if it's warranted. Did you purposefully and consciously act with malicious intent? When it comes to that toxic family member, chances are pretty good that you didn’t. There is nothing shameful or bad about simply being yourself. You do not need the approval of that toxic family member. Maybe ignore all of those well-done, son movies. You only need the approval of yourself for yourself. All those degrading, mean things said by toxic people are usually projections of their own shortcomings that they aren’t mature or wise enough to deal with. They instead do the cheap, cowardly move, and dump it on others. Their incompetence is not your fault, not your problem. The rock that is you knows it doesn’t matter that a mistake happened. It's not going to destroy you. In fact, it lets you know where you get to uncover more knowledge.

 

5. Find support.

No man is an island, and people work better together. Having and building that support network to catch you is important, even necessary. These are the people you know you can lean on when your toxic family's attempts to recapture you get hard. Support can also come from a therapist or program, as well as known friends who have nothing to do with your family. Healing and breaking away from abuse is a process that takes time. Be forgiving and patient with yourself. This journey will have you looking deep into your core, and more closely at others. A breakage needs to happen before you're able to start rebuilding, and you know you’ve got the strength to do it. Nobody, including you, deserves abuse, and you are worthy of so much more.